Saturday, August 14, 2010

Losing a Piece of my Soul

On June 4, 2010, in what was supposed to be a regular midwife checkup of 26 weeks, I found out that my baby's heart had stopped beating. That evening I was admitted to the hospital and labor was induced. My baby was breech, and it was an impossibly hard labor, punctuated by the words that the midwife could only do so much, or my little one would be torn in two. On June 5, 2010 at 11:00 a.m., I delivered a baby boy. I named him Alistair Magnus. He was perfect in every way, from his pale blonde hair, to his turquoise eyes, to his large hands, and his high-arched feet. On June 5, 2010, I said goodbye to the largest piece of my soul.

It is ten weeks later today, and I am a different person.

It is an impossible thing to think about burying your child, no matter how young or old. It is an impossible thing to sit on the computer designing your child's headstone, when you would rather have been picking out his going home onesie from the hospital. It is an impossible thing to face the fear of conceiving again, knowing that a perfect pregnancy, with perfect test results and a perfect ultrasound could still contain such a small imperfection in the inside of the umbilical cord that would cause a baby's death. It is an impossible thing to find hope in the maelstrom of madness and grief, especially when no one really seems to understand what you're going through.

My husband and I visit Alistair daily at the cemetery. I know that some point, our visits will not happen as often, that we may have future little ones who occupy most of our time.

But I will not forget. For when he died, he took a piece of my soul with him.


  1. I saw your story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. I'm so sorry for your loss of Alistair. Cord problems are such a tragic way to lose a perfect baby. Like you, I lost a son in the second trimester to cord stricture. I also lost another son to cord hypercoiling. I've listed lots of cord-related research and case studies that you may be interested in on my blog. If you know of any other good sites not listed on there, I would appreciate your input. Best wishes to you.

  2. This evening I wept for you and I prayed for you. I can tell you that I have never actually carried a baby as far a long and then lost him or her but I have lost two of my unborn children one an ectopic at 12 weeks and a miscarriage at 9 weeks. I always remember them and know that one day we will meet. Time has passed and we have been blessed with 4 more healthy happy children. They have filled our lives and blessed us in more ways then they know. I pray for you that when the time is right you too may experience once again the joys of pregnancy and hold your healthy baby in your arms. Thank you for sharing your story.
    Peace be with you,

  3. Thank you both so much for your messages of sympathy and support. I am so sorry for the losses you both have had to endure. I hope all of us can find peace someday and that our little ones are laughing and playing.