Just over a month ago, we welcomed our sweet daughter Callista to the world. After a stillbirth and two miscarriages we thought she would never arrive, but she did. And as I sit here holding her, I'm amazed that I was able to bring her home. Her full head of hair is as wispy as a dandelion and blonde. Her eyes are that piercing newborn blue, and will probably stay that way. She's long, as she was born at just under 22 inches, and just over 7 pounds.
We are in love.
Yet this doesn't take away that there are children missing. There is a two year old that should have been running around under my feet as I struggled to stay awake breastfeeding my daughter. There could have been another son or daughter too, and their absence is profoundly felt, even more so when I visit the cemetery, this time with my rainbow baby in my arms.
The picture book that I wrote? I finally have someone to read it too; a new reason to seek to be published. I cannot wait to hear her laugh, and I cannot wait to see her try to hold her first book, even if it goes straight into her toothless mouth.
A study I read jointly published by the USA and UK states that baby loss mommies only start to truly heal two years after the birth of their rainbow baby. The study was done to find out what could be done for pregnant women who had lost babies before, to ensure that the women received help before she developed post partum depression or any other psychological disorder.
My rainbow baby is here. I truly hope that she touches that place that has been locked since I lost my son. I will never forget, but hopefully I can heal, and I look forward to the journey.